James Van Fleet once said, “Always think in terms of what the other person wants.”
During my nearly 10 years of marriage, I’ve discovered that one of the keys to a successful relationship is thinking in terms of what my wife wants. For instance, there are times when my wife wants to watch a romantic movie when I’d prefer to watch an action movie. You might be saying,”Great! Let her watch her romantic movie and you go watch an action movie on another television.” Good idea, my rational thinking friend. However, if I were to act on that type of thinking my wife wouldn’t get what she really wanted it from the experience. Connectedness. Guess what? I want to feel that too.
In fact, everything human beings do can be summed up this way: Human behavior is driven by our desire to change the way we feel or change the way we behave. Most people take actions to change the way they feel because it’s an easier path to take. Unfortunately, many people indulge in behaviors that are detrimental in the pursuit of changing feelings. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can take complete control of your feelings/emotions in an instant. Want an example?
Have you ever laughed so hard that you almost wet your pants? As you recall that experience now, see what you saw then and hear what you heard. How do you feel?
If you really remembered a time when you laughed uncontrollably, I’m confident that you felt differently while thinking about that experience. It’s amazing how quickly we can change the way we feel, isn’t it? Can you see how asking a simple question enables you to influencing others or yourself?
Let’s go deeper. Okay?
If you want to influence others, you need to know what influences them. Stated differently, you have to find out what it takes for them to feel a certain emotion. Yes, we all experience emotions differently from each other. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to ascertain the details of peoples’ strategies for fulfilling the most important emotions they are seeking to experience.
In other words, we must find out what they really want. We must discover their values. What are values? Values are the feelings or emotional states of pleasure or pain we hold as most important versus least important. In order to determine someone’s values, the key questions are:
What do you want in a __________?
What’s important to you about ______?
or What’s most important to you about _______?
What has to happen in order for your to feel ________?
For example, if you wanted to find out someone’s values in a business relationship you would say… “I’m curious. What do you want in a business relationship?”
They might respond by saying,”I want to be able to trust people I do business with. I want open and honest communication. And I want to be respected.”
Then I would ask, “What would be most important to you in a business relationship? ” The reason for that question is that it helps me learn how they prioritize the values they’ve mentioned. After they respond with, let’s say, “Trust,” I would proceed by asking the evidence procedure question, which is: “What has to happen in order for you to feel that you can trust someone?”
Wait! Before I move on, I’ll explain why I ask the evidence procedure question.
The importance of asking that question is this: Let’s use a metaphor. Words are the choices listed on the menu, but they aren’t the actual meal. Most of us have had the disappointing experience of ordering a tantalizing-looking entree from a menu at a restaurant of choice. After having read and re-read the description and waited, mouth watering, for it to arrive, we were let down when it finally did.
Sure, it’s easier to assume you know what someone means by their words – but you run the risk of ending up with a frustrated business partner, client, customer, friend, etc. It would be far wiser to find out the meaning of their words from them than to filter them through your own experiences, and end up with a dish you didn’t really want. Are you with me?
Once you’ve discovered the words, aka values, you must learn how they know when their values are being met, which is known as their evidence procedure or criteria.
Now, let’s continue.
Again, the question to ask to discover their criteria is: “What has to happen in order for you to feel that you can trust someone in a business relationship?”
Typically, you will hear if/then statements. For example, “If you never, ever lie to me, then I will trust you. If you keep me abreast of every minute detail of each activity we are involved in, then I will trust you. If you never share any of the personal information I reveal to you, I will trust you.” I think you get the idea.
After you’ve uncovered that information, you decide whether or not meet their criteria. Let’s say you do. What do you think will happen in your relationship? Will they trust you?
Yes, they will trust you!
This process will revolutionize your relationships, both personal and professional, if you are willing to simply ask a few questions, listen intently, and decide to do what it takes to fulfill the other person’s criteria. If you have questions about what I’ve written in this post, please invest the time to write your question in the comment section and I will respond to it. Do you trust me? 
With your success in mind,
Ron
Excellent post, Ron! Rock solid information on creating and maintaining powerful relationships.
And yes. I trust you.
Ron this is so useful, so insightful!. My husband does what you do – consider his decisions from a perspective of what I would prefer. I love it! Of course that wouldn’t make for a great relationship if I didn’t live that way as well.
You’re so right about those questions..how else would we know if we’ve satisfied a customer or partner! I love the final one in particular..”what has to happen in order…”
How great it would be if we all approached life/business this way!
Thanks Ron!
Thanks for the compliment. It means a lot coming from you, my friend. I’m looking forward to your next post.
Warmly,
Ron
You NAILED it so perfectly Ron. Anyone who takes this to heart and acts upon this knowledge in their daily lives will revolutionize their relationships and swiftly develop new ones!
I’m going to read it again…let it sink in.
Kudos man. Thanks for sharing such knowledge.
Timothy Carter
http://ICommitToFitness.com
Great post. very inspiring.. Yes i trust you, specially after your this article..:-)
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ROCKING HOT post!!!!!! wow- this is brilliant- and Influence is King- doug
Great article! Tim Carter recommended it on twitter; glad I came by to check it out.
I have always said that I am a person that likes to know what makes people “tick” so this fits right in with my continuous education on learning about people. Now if I could just figure out what makes me tick…that was a joke.
Wishing you much success!
Elizabeth
Stumbled upon your post from Twitter…Brilliant metaphor with the use of a Dinner Menu and Influence Power of words!
Look forward to future posts!
Cheers,
James Wedmore
Timothy, you’re welcome! Thank you for encouraging me and spreading the word on twitter about this post.
With your success in mind,
Ron
Happy to know you were inspired by this post! That was my intention. I’m curious. What will you do with what you learned from the post? Will you become more of an inspiration to others?
With your success in mind,
Ron
ROCKING HOT post? “Brilliant.”
I’m speechless. Thank you. Thank you very much!
With your success in mind,
Ron
Elisabeth, thank you for stopping by, reading this post and posting your comment. It’s always a pleasure to meet someone who share my passion for understanding human behavior! Again, thank you!
With your success in mind,
Ron
James, I’m glad you stumbled upon that tweet!
Thanks for the compliment.
With your success in mind,
Ron
Julette,
Thank you! It’s great to know that this post impacted you in some way. Have fun asking the questions. The answers will probably surprise and amaze your hubby and you.
Warmly,
Ron
I have become a regular reader of yours- and I am going to let others know of your gift-you DO have a great gift for writing about Influence- wow. One of a kind. I have learned a lot already. Rocking Hot! doug
Thanks for your insightful post. It is vitally important to ask what a person wants. I do it in my own business, when a prospective ESL student calls or emails me, I always ask what they need and what is important to them with regards to ESL. I also endeavor to review their needs with them as time goes on to make sure that I have met their needs.
Now, I think it’s time I applied this to my other relationships!
Thanks Ron.
ESL lessons
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Thanks for the compliment! Happy to see that you are at least considering applying the insights from the post in your other relationships. Can you imagine how much more fulfilling your other relationships will become because you made the decision to really find out what’s important to them?
Looking forward to see a comment here about that experience. Again, thanks for the compliment.
With your success in mind,
Ron
Ron,
Thanks so much for your insightful post. I love creating powerful business partnerships. It’s easy to get distracted and caught up in your own stuff rather than focusing on the needs of those around you. I remind myself that it doesn’t matter who I am, but who I am BEING is critical to the success of the business venture I want to create. I must BE present to the needs and values of others. When I maintain that perspective, it’s amazing how quickly people open up, trust is established and fabulous business deals get inked.
Thanks so much for articulating valuable life lessons that really really work and are a ton of fun too!
Super great post Ron. I ditto Elaine’s comment!
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Elaine,
I thought I replied to your comment a long time ago – but it appears that I didn’t. I apologize for the oversight. It wasn’t intentional at all.
Wait. I called you, didn’t I?
Thanks for investing the time visit, read, and comment on my blog! I look forward to seeing more from you in 2009.
Warmly,
Ron
Ron,
Thanks for the Tweet on Twitter. This is a valuable lesson too often many of us overlook. Thank you for heightening our awareness once again and placing us on the right track for 2009. And by the way Happy New Year.
Kevin Thompson
Ron,
Great points! I think that one challenge salespeople have in asking the kinds of good questions you suggest is that they fear not knowing how to handle the answer. A salesperson might ask, “What will I have to accomplish in order for this (product/transaction/merger, etc) to be successful for YOU?” The salesman might fear hearing the challenge he or she will now be up against. Making yourself vulnerable to the stated desires of others is often difficult, as you point out. But effective pursuasion demands it.
Thanks for the insight!
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Hi ! Ron,
It is very informative , I have decided to to keep in mind what you have written and practice it.
mina
Great, Mina! A mentor of mine says, “You will be rewarded in public for what you practice in private.” Have fun and let me know about your results, please. Thanks for stopping by!