A Person of Influence Seeks First to Understand

In today’s society, we have the ability to quickly and easily communicate with people, in real time around the world. As a result, we can tap into the thinking of diverse perspectives on any topic. Sometimes the topic leads to casual conversation, constructive criticism, humorous retorts, or passionate debate. No matter what form the conversation takes, if you desire to impact the thoughts, emotions, and actions of other people, you will benefit from this post that explains a basic NLP principle.

Although the NLP principle you are about to learn is basic, understanding it will profoundly impact your ability to influence and persuade people. What is this basic concept? It is understanding someone’s map of the world. Simply put, a person’s map of the world makes up their reality. Why? Our maps of the world are formed during the experiences of life and we make decisions (literally formulate beliefs) about what those experiences meant. It is the meaning we attach to any experience which drives our behavior.

A drastic example of this is about a 63 year old woman who suffered physical abuse at the hands of her father. Ironically, this woman’s younger sister wasn’t a victim of the father’s abuse. This caused the woman to grow up hating her younger sister. You see, the younger sister would cry before her abusive father would act out of anger. However, the abused sister decided that displaying any vulnerability to her father was a sign of weakness.

Eventually, the abused sister grew into a woman with predominantly masculine characteristics because of her decision to avoid the emotion of vulnerability. That decision led her to dominate the people in her life. In fact, she divorced her first husband because of his inability to stand up to her. During a counseling session, her therapist told her, “You have managed to turn him into nothing more than a butler.” In addition to that, her son’s marriage was negatively impacted by her overly domineering behavior. You see, he had become accustomed to a woman taking on the traditional role of man, but his wife wanted him to live out the “manly” role.

By now, you probably realize our decisions about the meanings of past events lead to beliefs that shape our experience and our perceptions of life events which ultimately dictate our destiny. What happens when you know the beliefs that have shaped a person’s perceptions? First, it gives you the ability to be compassionate. Second, it enables you to effectively and rapidly influence them.

For example, the 63 year old wife and mother you’ve read about voluntarily relinquished her belief that vulnerability was a sign of weakness. This allowed her to rediscover her femininity, reconnect with her sister, deepen her relationship with her second husband, and help her son realize why his wife wanted him to lead in their marriage. I submit to you that dramatic change wouldn’t have occurred if not for the therapist’s intense focus on understanding and respecting her map of the world. Stephen Covey put it best in a chapter of his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People titled “Seek First to Understand.” (Hence, the title of this post.)

How do you discover someone’s map of the world so that you understand them?

One of the best ways is to ask them questions that will reveal beliefs about crucial areas, such as life, people, and how they see themselves. Simply ask them to complete these statements: Life is ____ . People are _____ . I am ________ . The answers will uncover the way that person views the world. More importantly, you’ll understand them at a deeper level, which will positively impact your ability to influence them. Make sense?

In conclusion, true influence happens when you care about people and are sincerely focused on their interests. In fact, one of the key factors in influencing anyone is their belief that you have their best interest at heart. Secondly, you must have a sense of certainty about their willingness to change their thoughts, emotions, or behaviors. Think about it this way.

That 63 year old wife and mom you read about had decided that in order to experience a happy and fulfilling relationships she needed to change. The fact that she voluntarily decided to change, is what allowed the therapist to successfully facilitate the change. The lesson? Stop trying to influence and persuade people to change thoughts, emotions, or behaviors until they have convinced themselves they need to change. Instead seek first to understand their map of the world and help them realize the consequences of beliefs that make up their map. If they decide they don’t like the consequences, then and only then, should you attempt to assist them in changing.

With your success in mind,

Ron